my day

Rainy Saturday evening, the way my soul prefers. Everything is all right with the world on these occasions from where I stand, regardless of where I happen to be.

I am celebrating my thirtieth year as a resident of the blue planet tomorrow, and the past week could only be described as --- heaven sent.
So yeah I've long since come to grips with the fact that I will not be leading any country, not discover any life changing vaccine, not write something profound enough to alter the world.

But hey, looking around me, I can say everything is ok....

(to be continued.....)

If you listen closely you hear....nothing..

If you listen closely you hear....nothing..
Originally uploaded by solea.

*****never*****

never.
that you said innumerable moments ago.
i searched i tried to no avail;
all that i've seen and all that i know
i am yours. in all detail.

never.
heard again after the circle round.
head bowed against the soundless expanse -
frozen. so like the heart never found
always broken. never a chance.

ground zero mid mornings

took the leap.
went to see the princess in metrowalk this morning.
pressed for time. and for a place to hang-out.
i left a girl and came back to a woman.
sitting across the table.ah time.
and follies of inane men too stupid to know.
or to hear. or listen.
i am thankful i went.

Waited In Vain

Waited In Vain
Originally uploaded by Spiegelbild.

My hope dries up like a sun baked stream, cut off from its source. To ever find the answers I have been looking for, to resolve these that I harbor in my soul.

Was it her? Or she that passed before? Or that woman from back then.

Never to be whole again, is that to be my lament? Yet I remain. Here. Hope against all hope. Maybe. There's always maybe.

Arrivals

There's a first time for everything.
My first published work arrived yesterday, and well for the lack of a better way to put it, I of course was all agog and beside myself with joy. Seeing my name and work in that glosssy sheet of paper gave me more satisfaction than all the paychecks I ever recieved combined. I still believe I am crappy person, but hell inspite of my despondent nature, the sun shone in between the clouds.

The thought of cartloads of those magazines, marching off to their individual destinations, is a wet dream come true.Ahahaha there is no dream of world domination kiddies (apparently I am not as psychotic as I previously believed), only a wish to be heard, like most of us.

I'm too sleepy ...

I'm too sleepy ...
Originally uploaded by Spiegelbild.

*from the dim corner*

fleeting. time is. yet constant
my beating heart. the ebb and flow
though the muse always distant
quick glimpses and shadows

as it always was and will be
i know your soul, know you whole
view you the way no one can see
since six am a decade and all

i am always in the half light.
sunshine; bask in your warmth?
content in the everlasting twilight
in sight yet never in your arms.

No Beaudelaire

No Beaudelaire
Originally uploaded by solea.

draw from me as you will
me, my soul, my all
all i have to deal
sweep me from everything real

drawn to you enchantress
your dark wicked self
i swoon temptress
keep my heart in a shelf

do as you would, i accept
drink me and discard me
render me babbling inept
chain me. ill never want to be free.

Who is afraid of the wolf?

Who is afraid of the wolf?
Originally uploaded by solea.

i am giving you till ten
so flee little rabbit
run and scamper to your den
when i catch up you will love it

and the fog will eat up your scream
as i tear you limb from limb
blink all you want it is no dream
blood mingles in the stream

lemelerberg under the moon

lemelerberg under the moon
Originally uploaded by solea.

trudge trudge trudge.
a hobbled step and another -
nomad yet without grudge.
searching far and farther.

one step beginning a lifetime past
as i rose from slumber, startled
by your voice like a floating mast
this journey started.

still i walk scragged and bedraggled
yet spurred on by the thought of home
till i find you - continued struggle
forever i will roam

My side of the bed

My side of the bed
Originally uploaded by solea.

if i jump to your arms, will you yield?
or be like a sculpture - cold hard marble
avert your eye, arms like a shield
verbal and body language garble

and i remain. breathless for your command
but will you give? or want me
to take? i have no spirit to ask nor demand
i wait on, with silent aching plea....

In The Darkness

In The Darkness
Originally uploaded by Hard2Handle.

in the half light she glows
eyes full and wondrous; like deep pools
mysterious, angelic and she knows
secrets kept from fools -

like me. i stand in awe, trapped
held transfixed. you gleam
like a beacon in the dark, i am enrapt.
and nothing is at it seems.

down is up and left is right
although i stay in place, held
and the sun shines at night
me by your beauty felled.

spook in the swamp

spook in the swamp
Originally uploaded by solea.

now this is the kind of work which comes from a brilliant mind or eye or eye inside the mind. this person has a wide range, from the poignant,to the intriguing, to totally deranged. her works fascinate me.

let's play with the image shall we?

"unrequited, love unsaid, untold, finally from the grave she becomes bold

back from the hallows she calls
to tell the one that she did fall

or is she? vengeful are you?
that you come out of the blue

screaming voiceless shadow
lifeless for eternal tomorrows"

in 20 years...

in 20 years...
Originally uploaded by solea.

poignant. somber.
everything i hold dear.
fleeting and temporary.
so live in the moment.
be thankful for the breeze on my cheek.
the taste of my tears.
the beating of my heart.
my yearning to hold you.
or you to hold me.
be thankful that i still can feel.
after all these years.

lovers

My fate lies with you. As do yours.
I cannot wander your mind and I would not if I could.
I hang by a thread, and hope for honesty.
People lie and deceive I know,
yet at the end I can only count on your words.
I cannot measure your trust in me and neither can you,
everything else is pinned on what was said,
on what was shared.
Here I am, as whole as I can ever ask to be.
Hoping you are as honest as me.

stuck

train stations. bus stations. boarding gates.

are you arriving, or are you leaving?

i would prefer you to be arriving.
although you always seem to be leaving.
since i have been rooted to this spot
for as long as i can remember.

i could say it does not matter to me.
feign indifference and pretend i am free to roam.
i can't. yet i am resigned to be an observer.
the plate glass is much too thick and i have hurled
myself against it innumerable times.
it did not even rattle, much less shudder.

fact of my life. fact of my existence.
i bear no grudge, no ill will.
it is as it is. nothing more.

klutz

i should really pay attention to what the hell i am doing, or not do it at all. posted the damned blog (the one below) and it was incomplete. and i was so happy, enough to pat myself on the back (how lame-*ssed does that sound?). to check it today and find out that i bungled it yet again is the pits. i am indeed cosmically cataclysmically retarded. welcome to my world. i was not being cryptic on the last entry, i was plain stupid!

unassuming

Unassuming
Originally uploaded by Spiegelbild.

stole my heart a decade and a half ago.
and never even knew.

maybe got swept down the storm drain. not her fault, and no way to tell her.

now, after all of this and all of that the convergent paths meet and orbits collide. i find you again after all this time.

and find my voice.

and find you are the dream. and more.

you are who you are.

the mr piggy dorky porky spongee thank you list

oh kayyy. so the dreaded christmas season is almost upon us, and i am feeling the love.
life has taken a few turns to unfamiliar roads that i had given up on, and had considered as wild goose chases. so thereby i will have a lot to thank for when i say grace at the table.

i am officially a writer, something that has been a wet dream since time immemorial, it appears to be quite lucrative in fact, as a side job or otherwise.

here's the top end of the list:

gratis to the wickedness incarnate for her subtlety in handling my frail confidence and for her completely unfounded belief in my abilities, for being a friend and a mentor, and one of the voices in my head that drive me to go on and challenge my preconceptions.

to the mastah, for doors opened and lessons learned. i can never express how much this means to me, and how this has changed the view from the looking glass. always indebted.

to the reflected soul in the mirror, for a decade and a half of continuing inspiration, for still having the ability to render me into a blithering drooling idiot, for being an absentee muse, for being the brilliant silhouette running around utopia.

to the drop dead gorgeous holiness, for remaining elusive and oh so sexy, for scaring the living sh*t out of me with her mind games, for midmorning spur of the moment confessions, and for not blanking out when I am around

to the beautiful south for remaining desirable and out of reach, for laughter and consternation, and for being my uncalled for and unwanted conscience.

to litton, for holding me enthralled and being an anchor of both sanity and insanity, and for giving me back my laughter, and my youth.

to the royalty of the frozen north, for screwing my head back on, and for guns and ammunition. there will be a day of reckoning i believe.

to the child like lawyer, for giving the worst compliments in the history of mankind, and for being a force majeure.

to the gallus gallus man for being a good sport and putting up with me, while I was being an a-hole most of the time.

last but not the least to the owner of the other half of the rings for putting up with me all these years despite misunderstandings and near death run-ins, for turning out to be my best friend a keeper of my soul, for still loving me despite her founded and proven misgivings, and for being the one person on earth i cannot live without.

Niemand wird dich finden

Niemand wird dich finden
Originally uploaded by solea.

dark. devious. malevolent. not the person who did this to the woman as the picture would imply.

rather, the mind who set it up in her head, and took the shot. it's almost universal, since half of the planet's population is female.

i love this person. whether she makes you cringe, or smile that evil smile of yours with this photo, you cannot deny its strength. the tension is so thick you can almost taste it. makes chills run up you spine. go choke on your own feelings then. and yes, no one will find you.

thoughts from the lines unseen

(photo courtesy of anne herschelle adrineda)

Intellect. Reason. Freewill.
Frail. Hesitant. Indesicive.

the light stretching the darkness or
the darkness engulfing the light?

to walk, to bask in the borrowed glow.
or to immerse one's self in the hidden depths?

the stark contrast depicts that which becomes most sharp in our lives;
when we decide to be a catalyst for change.

when we decide to not be a drone in the throng of humanity.
when we decide to stand out and be heard.

before you start and paint your colors, whichever and however gaudy you might end up.
set up the base on which you stand.

the choice is as always your own,
and no one may tell you otherwise.

in the ice palace

silent halls, these cold bare walls
etchings in the marble floors?
outside the snow gently falls
I pass thru rain-sheet doors

she sits magnificent and proud
ice throne reflecting light
blazing brilliant loud'
round here it is never night

inclines her head, and brows rise
acknowledges me as here
this sage,this queen un-nice
then it dawns crystal clear

i catch her eye, alive and aware
fiery and passionate
still she reigns alone and bare
chained by chance and by fate

from livejournal 2005-04-18 13:02:00

monsoons and late afternoons

manila late may. the afternoon reclutantly gives way to twilight, and the air is pregnant with moisture. people on the streets walk briskly in unison though each one to their own purpose. makes me stop and gaze at the sky before i get into my car. the air is heavy and sorrounds me, i feel at ease, comfortable in its embrace. i would be very happy to reside in burmecia.

the first droplets fall, splatter on the windshield. i let them accumulate. at last they cover my entire field of vision and i recline, the steady drumming of raindrops playing the music of hope, the song of renewal. it is not enough and i step out of my car - into the midst of the weeping sky. i let myself go inside it - standing immobile as a marble statue yet surely as alive as the leaves in the trees nearby. i keep my head bowed, i have been waiting for months; i will drink as much of the moment as i can.all too soon the skies grind to a halt. i find myself soaked to the bone and looking up to the sky as the last droplets fall on my face, realize that evening has draped her arms across my little area of the universe.
a contented smile forming on my lips, i walk back into my house.

from livejournal 2005-05-31 13:13:00

the wicker speaks

(photo courtesy of anne herschelle adrineda)

primordial.pitch black expanse.cold.unfeeling and uncaring. the veil of ignorance. of bigotry. of fear. of hiding one's true self.

then the spark.birth. shoved into existence.life.solitary soul. beacon. muse. inspiration.forces. fates. molding hands shaping the maladroit into a swan. a butterfly.

prometheus. empowered. illuminated. aware. alive.passed on. from mother to daughter. from father to son. inextinguishable warmth.the intimacy of a smile. of a thought. of a hand on your shoulder. of souls passing by in the dead of night.of raindrops on your cheek.

the flame speaks of love.

in a language unknown.

yet clearly understood.