A Particularly Nasty Ride Home

This is one for the ages. Been quite unstable this morning before I went to Alabang, and had been deathly quiet on the drive to Santa Rosa. I thought I would be ok after, that this belongs to the “it too shall pass” moments in my life. Then the storm inside the car. It just came flooding like a monstrosity lumbering with inexorable force from a denuded mountaintop. I broke. Wracked with sobs while hurtling at 100 kilometers an hour. I couldn’t stop and I hated myself, for carrying this with me. For my soul being the way it is. For my inability to consider real happiness as an alternative; for realizing how pathetic being this pained feels like, and for still being here.

Here I am now. The coward that I am. With eyes swollen. Attempting to make sense and perhaps reconcile myself with the incident.

What am I? A sucker for pain, torture and the proverbial up the chocolate chute screw job? No I am not. I detest it. Yet still it always leads me here. Yeah Paul McCartney. To the long and god damned winding road.

Emily Ann Meily I wish you were somewhere near right now. Maybe you could’ve help make sense of all this.

I’m too torn to write anything more. I leave you with this instead. It was on the radio when I almost decided to end everything for good.

The First Cut is the Deepest
Sheryl Crow

I would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and she's taking almost all that I've got
but if you want, I'll try to love again
baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
'cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me she's worst
but when it comes to being loved she's first
that's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest

I still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
cause I'm sure gonna give you a try
and if you want, I'll try to love again
but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me she's worst
but when it comes to being loved she's first
that's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest