Discretion is the better part of Valor; the Joy and Terror of Capitulation; an Unforeseen Confession

The wheels of fate have been turning yet again. I have hinted previously about preparation. For a moment. A time of reckoning. This is mine. For the entirety of my being. It has not been an easy life, but whoever said that life would be easy?

All that happened in the past now seems a funnel. To steel and temper for the coming…how do I put it? Test? Storm? Tribulation? Or a combination of all that. I see and feel the thunderclouds gathering in the horizon. I know the lines will come into clear focus anytime soon. The question will invariably be asked of me. “Will you cross the threshold foolish mortal?”

I believe it will be at least two lines. Each determines a course of fate. Therein lies the crux of my questions in life. What I’ve found learned and what I hold dear. This entire running around, this searching, these silly quests have now come to an end. So I wait in bated breath for the conclusion. I may find myself in a rocking chair surrounded by grandchildren, but the time is at hand. This is the deal for the whole kit and caboodle.

I have found my Great Love. The One. The Bearer of Tragedy and Unspeakable Pain. And of Untold Bliss. Right beside me. It has been a slow realization, as I was fighting and kicking all the way. I did not go down easy. So do I capitulate and surrender to it? I know that acceptance is the road to destruction. Humans are not allowed to be that happy. It is reserved as a reward for the afterlife.

I keep saying there is no chance. Hoping to convince myself that we will both guard ourselves. I am torn between letting everything blow up into a thousand pieces and keeping the status quo. Now I know why I was imparted with self-esteem issues. Else I would have gone and grabbed the sword by the hilt and let everyone else be damned. I am able to use my inadequacy as a shield. Of course the other person has choice, but the answer is not always a “NO”. But I will not let her have a say here. For if the answer is yes, we destroy everything else. I have half a mind to shut it down completely and kill my soul in the process. If it comes to it, I may choose that, if only to keep her safe. From me. That is the first line. Do I gamble for an “our happiness” or stick with “her happiness”. There are no guarantees either way. The second will render me dead, but I hope I have the strength to choose it. It is the only logical recourse. I am seriously considering it as I write now. God help me, it’s so damned difficult, but it may be the only way for everyone to be safe. And anyway at least I have my answers. I have had my questions answered. Without room for doubt.

The second? Close friends and family have been seeing omens of me this year. Walking out of a production floor when I am a hundred kilometers away. Passing by without my head. Passing by while I am spoken to on the phone. Those kind of things. People have been burning the lines every time. I still draw breath and try to push it out of my mind. If the contract is up, there is nothing you can do about it anyway. I have had a brush with the reaper early this year, I can’t remember if there was a deal on lingering here. So now that my most important questions have been answered, does it mean I am to leave? Now that I’ve said it aloud? Will the choice matter? Yes, I may find myself surrounded by grandchildren. I am alive then. Although with a shell of an existence brought by the choice of the path drawn by the initial line. I will be dead either way.

I guess I have to close it out now. I am contemplating deleting all blogs. It’s all resolved anyway. All the reasons for their presence is moot now. Or maybe I’ll keep them. Haven’t really decided yet. All the next ones if I still decide to do this, will be of an entirely different vein. Yes I am happy. How could I even feel despair now?

So there. I think this is goodbye. To the searching me. To the unbalanced me. To the unsure me. There is tomorrow. Yet I think I’ll stretch today as far as I can. Tomorrow is still too far away.

This is goodbye to you too I think. So this is what sweet parting means. To give up. Knowing that who you love will be better off. Without you. There will be no one else after. Be happy and be safe. We’ll always have rainy evenings. I don’t even want to consider it, but if it’s the same for us, then expect me in the next lifetime. I will be your man.