Had a hell of a tiff today. With everyone around me. Drove off and lost steam in a Shell Station; consequently fell asleep there for almost two hours after I sent the last sms.
Needed to talk to me also. Not nice forcing yourself to look at a mirror. To see and acknowledge all the shit you are going through and why you allow yourself to sink deeper into that quagmire.
It defies explanation why she remains standing there. Very much correct. I never lost her. I was always the one who left. Here’s the thing, I don’t know what makes her happy. I do know a lot of things that make her sad. I am Mr. Melancholy. Why stick with me? I need to rework that statement. She defies explanation. What good does she see in me?
So I tell myself to get a grip. To believe I can be chosen for who I am. I am so desperate for comfort and yet unwilling to trust the hand that tries to soothe me. To give up that pathetic feeling of distrust and lack of self worth is so difficult. It has been with me for so long I feel like it is one of my limbs. Hey I’m not in denial. I know what I lack. It’s just that I am afraid to go out and hope, only to get crushed underfoot again. But hey please wake me up before you go.
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